The Inevitable Fanfiction

Chapter 10- In Honour of Sinitta
The whole week, Sinitta and I have been joined at the hip. I had forgotten how fun she could be. I had forgotten all the fun we used to have together, before she got divorced, before she got married even. Nina for the most part, takes care of the kids – I think she is secretly enjoying this. She has been staying longer hours in the day, baking cookies, feeding and bathing them. She even brought a few kids’ movies from her house for them to watch. I think being an elderly lady, with all her children grown up and moved away and no grandchildren, she is glad to have two youngsters to spoil and pamper.
I suppose I have been no better, buying Zac and Maggie gifts and toys and practically anything they asked for. It’s not easy to resist, and why should I even bother trying? It’s not like I can’t afford all of it and much more. It’s not like I don’t like to make them and their mother smile.
But now, I believe it’s going to take more than that – more than just showering Sinitta’s children with presents. Maybe it’s time to take things to the next; showing Sinitta I am interested in more than just a friendship and Godfather-ship.
So I am going to take her to the Idol show tonight. And after that, to dinner – just the two of us. No it is not to show her off to Paula. It is not about that. I am only trying to prove to Sinitta and myself that we can go back to what we had several millenniums ago. Easier said than done since I am by far the least romantic person on Earth. I don’t do bouquets of flowers, and all that formality on anniversaries and Valentines’ Day makes me feel rather ill.
I ring Terri and ask her for her assistance. I don’t go into detail; don’t tell her my reasons for buying the dress, but I do say it’s for Sinitta and she agrees between fits of laughter. For her it was ‘Simon? Cowell? Shopping? Hah,’ but I need to make some effort don’t I?
Last year, I had bought Paula a few dresses too. When we would go out for dinner to somewhere fancy, I would more often than not either buy her a dress – with the occasional diamond set- or pick out one of the many she hadn’t yet worn. She would always look lovely and she even spoke about it on a radio show. I bet those fans of ours went a little nutters after that.
Now, as I am with Terri at her favourite boutiques, I realise the whole time I have been looking for a dress, I seem to have forgotten that this dress is specifically for Sinitta. I have been looking at the smallest sizes and red dresses, that compliment mocha coloured skin. The only mannequins I notice all have olive skin and dark brown hair.
I have to tell myself more than once; ‘Sinitta’. Not Paula. Only Sinitta.
After half a day of shopping, I finally decide on a navy blue dress and a simple gold chain necklace with matching earrings. The earrings have sapphire stones in them that fit the dress. Sinitta will look good in it. Naturally, I buy Terri a similar set as thanks.
When I reach home, Nina informs me that Sinitta has gone to visit some friends that she hasn’t seen in a long while.
“And where are Maggie and Zachary?” I ask.
“I just put them down for a nap. Poor things are still not used to the time zone difference.” I give her a half smile, clutching the dress bag and satin box close to my chest. “Can I get you anything? A drink? A sandwich?”
“Actually, a sandwich sounds good. Ham, please,” I tell her as I walk up the stairs. I creep into the guestroom where the children are sleeping. They are on the double bed, limbs pointing in every direction. Zac’s hand is press firmly against Magdalena’s nose and I chuckle quietly as I remove it and place it back at his side. He snuggles into the covers and Maggie’s eyes open briefly. She smiles sleepily up at me before yawning and turning over. There is something strangely charming about these two – even, if not especially, in their half sleep states.
In Sinitta’s room, I place the dress and the long satin box in the middle of the bed. The card I bought only after Terri left, I now open and take a pen from my pocket. I write a simple message and place it on the box.
‘Nita,
Dinner tonight, after the show? Just you and I.
-Simon.’
I watch the news on TV for a while in my bedroom, eating my sandwich when I hear the soft pitter-pattering of tiny feet running down the corridor. Sure enough, a few seconds later, Maggie enters the room, eyes drooping.
“Maggie, love?”
“Can I stay here with you?” She asks, a little shy.
“Of course, sweetheart.” I smile warmly and help her onto the bed and into my lap. I lower the volume of the TV before averting my attention to the toddler.
“You want to sleep?” I ask, but when I look down, her eyes are already closed and her breathing even, her head pressed on my chest. The weight is a comforting one, making me place a hand on her back as if to hold that comfort. I find myself switching off the television altogether, and instead, I pass the time fondling Magdalena’s hair and kissing her forehead.
Where had the man who never wanted children go? Surely it is still the very same one? I had so many reasons as to why I never wanted kids, whenever I was posed with the question. At this moment, I can’t remember a single one of them.

***
When I wake up, it is because I have the distinct feeling of someone watching me. And surely enough, Sinitta is standing over me, sliming cheekily.
“Well hello,” She sniggers.
“Hi,” I groggily reply. I think I get sleepy when I’m sick – I haven’t fully recovered yet after all. Her brows rise at the sound of my voice and I’d like to think she likes it. I begin to sit up but I recognise that familiar weight of Magdalena on top of me, her head tucked under my chin. Sinitta picks her up and rocks her gently.
“Baby, wake up,” She coos and Maggie stirs, opening her eyes.
“Mumma!” Her eyes light up and she hugs her mother tight around the neck. “I missed you!”
“I missed you too, darling. Give mummy a kiss.” Maggie kisses her and struggles to be set on the floor. “Go downstairs to your brother. I think Nina was baking cookies.” She taps her bottom and Maggie runs off, excited as ever.
I sit up and rub the sleep out of my eyes. ‘Nita sits beside me and seems to be thinking of what to say.
“The dress is beautiful,” She says finally, with a diffident smile.
“I’m glad you think so,” I reply and meet her eyes.
“So was the set…” She looks down. “You didn’t have to.”
For the briefest second, I get a flashback of Paula and I last season; the first time I had bought her a dress before dinner. She had looked at me deeply with those shining eyes of hers – those oh, so expressive eyes that tell me everything I need to know about her. She had kissed my lips softly, only just long enough to be considered lingering.
Sinitta. Sinitta.
“I know,” I state simply.
I check my watch quickly. I have to leave for rehearsals soon.
“I have to go to the studio now. You come for the show, alright? Bring the kids and Nina? She said she’d babysit them. Wear the dress and after that we’ll go for dinner.” I trace her jaw line with my thumb. She shivers and pulls back quickly.
“Alright.” She ducks out of the room.
I consider going to the show in what I’m wearing now – a black shirt and jeans. I would have on any other occasion. But no, this is serious, I remind myself. So I change into a white button down and newer jeans. I leave the first three buttons of my shirt open.
In the studio, Paula is the only one there yet. She isn’t watching rehearsals though. She is having her dress fitted. She is far down the corridor, contemplating two dresses that Kylie is holding up in front of her, sipping her beloved Starbucks. Kylie sees me and looks away quickly but Paula has already turned to see me walking in her direction.
She is wearing flats, a halter-neck blouse and black pants and a small smile.
“Hi, Simon,” She says, looking at my attire. I give her a crooked smile; one that she loves, I know.
“Evening, ladies.” I kiss Paula’s cheeks and then Kylie’s. I take a good look at the two dresses Kylie is holding and then run my eyes across Paula’s body. I’m allowed to appreciate beauty aren’t I? When I meet Paula’s eyes again, she looks unsure and ‘secretly’ very pleased. Kylie clears her throat beside us, clearly uncomfortable.
“The orange one,” I say and walk away.
It is silent behind me for a few seconds, before I hear a door shutting.
Finally, after what seems so long, I have the upper hand in our ‘game’ again. Paula had been in the lead lately - having the last word, having me confess my feelings, and being the strong one to say ‘no’. Now I have left her and her assistant speechless, having uttered no more than five words. A satisfied smile plays on my lips until show time.
This week, we do not do the walking out intro. Instead, before the show starts, our names are called and we walk out to sit at the judges table. I have been talking with the contestants backstage so I haven’t really greeted anyone yet and I’m not sure if Sinitta and the kids are here yet. I hope they are.
“Please welcome, Randy Jackson,” The voice booms around the studio and I get a quick glance at Randy who is walking onto the stage. “Kara DioGuardi,” Kara has to rush to the entrance, from a few meters away and then walk out. I rush there and apparently so does Paula because we almost walk into each other. “Paula Abdul… and Simon Cowell!” I let Paula walk out a few seconds before me and as I watch her back, I realise something. She is wearing the orange dress.
“Nice.” I lift an eyebrow at her and she laughs, somewhat embarrassed.
When I look into the audience, Sinitta is seated near the front clapping. She winks at me.
The show starts and Ryan takes the stage. “Simon!” He starts his introduction for me. “You’ve taken the time to dress up today. Special occasion?” He teases.
“Matter of fact, Ryan-” I am about to say ‘it is’ but rudely, he cuts me short. Typical.
“Speaking of dressing, look who’s here! Simon’s friend, looking gorgeous as ever. Hi, Sinitta!” Ryan waves obnoxiously.
The camera zooms into her face and she waves back. Paula looks up at me, jaw hanging.
“Sinitta is here?” She whispers. I turn to her and nod, apprehensively.
It doesn’t matter to me that Paula looks better in that dress that Sinitta does in hers. It doesn’t matter than Paula would have looked even better in the navy blue dress that is now Sinitta’s. It makes no difference to me.
Sinitta. Sinitta.
“Oh,” Paula says, dazed. I can see it in her eyes – the wheels are turning in her head, she’s putting pieces together and not happy about it. She is jealous, I know it. But what difference does it make to me after all?
“What’s the matter?” I ask, playing dumb.
“Nothing,” She mutters as the first contestant begins to sing. Robert is his name. About a minute into the song, I hear “You move on fast, don’t you?” from Paula.
“Does it matter what I answer?”
“No,” She says through gritted teeth. “Not one bit.”
The song ends, and both Paula and I have to result in critiquing song choice and choreography, having not a heard a note. My opinion is naturally less positive than hers.
Next, Amanda is singing. She doesn’t deserve to be here, I think. I don’t really pay attention to her either though. Instead, I continue to talk to Paula in hushed tones.
“Am I not allowed to be happy?” I question and Paula’s leg jerks slightly before she turns to me, slowly.
“I never said you weren’t,” She replies.
“You don’t need to.” It’s in her eyes. It always is.
I know she is confused. I know her moodiness directed at me lately is mainly my fault. I can’t blame her. She wants to continue being friends – I want that too. But if she is jealous of Sinitta then it isn’t really continuing anything but our stupid games.
Oh, to hell with what Paula thinks. I cannot keep both Sinitta and her happy at the same time. It’s impossible, and Paula had made it clear it is not me she wants to make her happy for the rest of her life.
Sinitta. Sinitta.
“I’m… surprised. Doesn’t mean I’m not happy, Simon. If I can be with Jeremy, you can be with anyone you want,” She says tensely again.
“I respect that.”
But I’d respect it a lot more if I believed her.
She meets my eyes again as I take her hand. I hold her hand with both of mine, stroking her knuckles. I don’t know why I am doing this – what reason do I have to hold her? To touch her the way I do? The way I wish to?
Hell, Simon, stop it.
Sinitta. Sinitta.
In the commercial breaks, I gesture for Sinitta to come up and talk to us. Everyone, including Paula is very nice to her. I cannot decide whether that is a good thing or a bad thing. I pull her into my lap and rest my chin on her shoulder. Paula looks away for a second, coming back up with a plastered smile.
“You having fun so far?” Randy asks Sinitta.
“Fun is starting today, actually. Simon and I are going out for dinner after the show,” She smiles bashfully. I kiss her cheek, by my heart isn’t in it. My eyes, my mind and my heart even are all locked on Paula.
“That explains the beautiful dress,” Kara comments pleasantly.
“Thank-you.” Sinitta meets my eyes, black diamond sparkling up at me. “Simon bought it for me – full of surprises in his old age.” She pokes my side. Paula looks up at me and again, her eyes say it all. Hurt, betrayal, anger, and dare I say it- passion, all there, glaring up at me.
“He has good taste, doesn’t he?” Paula asks Sinitta but makes no attempt to cast her gaze away from me. Only I can hear the slight sarcastic edge.
“Definitely.” Sinitta nods.
In the middle of the show, Nina brings Maggie and Zac who are restless watching the show from my trailer, to the pit and they sit with Sinitta.
“Are those her children?” Kara asks.
“Yep,” I reply. She squeals.
“They are sooo cute. Oh my God!”
I agree.
In the other breaks, I sit them little terrors at the judges table, and play with them. Maggie is one to draw attention to herself, and she knows how to do it well. She hugs me more openly, makes silly kid jokes with Kara and sticks her small tongue out at Randy when he pulls at her pigtails. Zac has this strange fascination for Paula and in all subtlety, attempts to catch her eyes. When she finally feels his eyes on her, she meets his and he smiles brightly. She regards him for a moment, but then gives a friendly grin and wink. He giggles and takes this as an invitation to sit in front of her on the glass table.
“He really likes you. He doesn’t often take to many people,” I tell Paula when Sinitta escapes to the ladies’ room. Zac is busy playing with the long necklace around Paula’s neck, fondling the beads and I even saw him sniff it once, and then her shoulder, as if wondering where her scent comes from. I always knew she was captivating, but funny how even two year olds are attracted to her aura.
“He’s very sweet,” Says Paula. “Must get that from you, right?” She mumbles, but I hear her loud and clear.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means…” Paula trails off and I see her attention has been diverted to Sinitta who is walking back. “It means Sinitta is a very lucky woman.” She smiles softly.
When the show ends, she flees the scene, barely speaking to anyone if she can get away with it.
“Simon?” Sinitta waves a hand in my face and I turn to her.
“Sorry, darling, did you say something?” I ask.
“I asked you if Nina is going to take the kids back?” I have to replay what I heard in my head to comprehend it. My mind is not at all focused on this right now. I need to catch Paula, damn it.
“Um, yeah. The driver is outside... Darling, I’ll be right back, okay?”
“What’s wrong?” She places what should be a comforting hand on my shoulder. But still, it takes some will power not to shrug her off.
“It’s Paula. I’m just going to make sure she’s alright,” I say, truthfully as possible.
“Oh… okay.” I see the doubt it her eyes, but have no time or consideration if I’m being honest, to care right now.
I try and escape the studio tactfully, without being noticed and soon I am knocking at Paula’s door. Her entourage, plus those DJs from Lord knows which state – JohnJay and Rich, are there along with David, Kylie and some others I don’t recognise. Jimmy is there I realise and he winks at me.
“We’ve been kicked out?” It comes out almost like a question from Pam, who still seems dazed. Paula doesn’t usually do that sort of thing.
“Paula? Paula, open the door,” I demand.
I don’t get an answer. So I try twisting the doorknob, which is surprisingly unlocked.
“Go away, Simon,” Paula’s voice comes from the bathroom.
“First tell me something.” As if I don’t know.
There is a long silence but finally Paula emerges, changed into her comfy clothes and holding her dress. She flings it at me, and I purse my lips. I don’t think I’ll be allowed to give any dress commentary from now on.
“I don’t have anything to tell you.”
“Paula. Explain this to me- ”
“No, Simon,” She cuts me off, angrily. “I’m not explaining anything to you. You’re going to shut the hell up and listen to me for once.” I raise my hands up in a defensive position. “Sit.” She points to the couch.
“What did I do?” I half chuckle, masking my fear. I am actually afraid of this tiny woman, barely five feet tall.
She stands over me, hands in the air, eyes frantic and raged.
“Is this another game to you Simon? Are my feelings a damn game to you? I thought we were passed all that! I thought we were friends!”
“We are. Why are you doubting that?”
“Because first Jackie, fine, you know what – whatever. Now Sinitta? Just what the hell are you trying to prove here?”
“Didn’t I tell you? I told you this might be the best thing for all of us – Gads, Paula, you act like I’m cheating on you!” I stand up, feeling far too inferior sitting.
“If you love me so damn much, how do you move on so quickly? Are all us ex-lovers and present best friends interchangeable? Is that all?” Her eyes are crazed.
I don’t know if even she knows what she is saying right now.
“Paula.” I take her hands, gently in one of mine. The other one I place on her chin and hold her face. She struggles to get free but I hold on tighter. “Paula, calm down.”
“No, don’t tell me to calm down!” She yells. “I don’t want this – You – We – ”
“Just shush for one second.”
I hold her hands in both of mine and pull her so her arms are caught between us. She has to crane her neck all the way up to look at my face now. We just stare for a moment, and it seems everything we have said, have wanted to say, and will never say are expressed through this one glance. And in that one glance –through every emotion we are feeling now, it surfaces.
Paula’s lips crash onto mine hurriedly, not at all sweet like the last time. Not timid, not unsure. This Paula is angry as hell, she is fired up and she fists my shirt in her hands. At first I am not really sure what is happening, but as soon as Paula’s tongue forces its way into my mouth I snap to attention. Her tongue is hot and demanding against mine and she anchors me in place.

Someone moans, and I don’t know whether it is her or me. Who the hell cares, anyway?
Even though this is wrong for so many reasons, we keep kissing. Her hands touch the skin on my stomach as they travel under my shirt. I can’t keep my hands of her either and I pull her as close to me as humanly possible.

“Pawla,” I growl into her mouth as hands come up to play with the sensitive skin of my neck. It feels like ages, us just standing there, kissing and touching each other. But no, this is wrong – she will regret this later. It takes everything I’ve got but I whisper, “We shouldn’t be doing this.”
“I don’t care,” She mumbles defiantly against me.
“Are you sure?”
Our tongues dance with each other, in an earth shattering pace and I draw a whimper out of her as I bite down on her lip. “God no, Simon…” She pushes against me. “I’m not.”
But she kisses me anyway.
We keep finding ways to get closer and fire each other up even more. I feel the passion blaze deep within me and just when I think this is all I am going to get, she surprises me by pushing me roughly onto the couch.
She sits down anyway and straddles my lap and within seconds our mouths are pressed back together. Her tongue seeks out mine and I can only moan as its velvety surface glides over mine. Needing to feel her closer; I roughly put my hands on her backside and bring her to me making her glide over my hardening member. I am sure she feels the state of my arousal too, but she does nothing to slow things down.
“Simon,” She moans my name, thrusting herself against me. My hips move with hers, and I want nothing more but to pull away the clothes blocking them.
The mental picture of us right now is enough to make any man go insane. I softly tug at her t-shirt, indicating that I want it off and as she lifts her arms above her head I pull it off and toss it on the floor.
“Look at me, Paula,” I tell her. But she doesn’t. She won’t. She keeps her eyes shut, not once wanting to meet mine.
“Shut up,” She says and it is the last thing I expected to hear. Does it matter, though?
She is breathtaking; her full breasts and firm abs. She is every red blooded mans ultimate fantasy for sure, but right now, in this moment; she is mine and mine only. I kiss my way down her throat and she flings her head back. “Oh,” she groans as I nibble at her jugular. “This is so wrong,” She says. Her pelvis grinds down on me hard as an added responds to the way I am making her feel and I whisper her name hoarsely.
She roughly pulls of my shirt; leaving me bare-chested. She leans into me once more and takes my mouth with hers, making this kiss a bit slower. However, nothing about her is soft or tender tonight. She is warm and passionate and very much a huge turn on. I cup her right breast in my hand and stroke it tenderly over her lacey bra.
“So wrong,” I agree.
She only stares at me as her tiny fingers trails their way down my stomach, delicately playing with my treasure trail before reaching my belt buckle. I raise my hips, wanting more; needing more.
“Paula, I want you,” I whisper, my voice low and husky.
She moans in response.
“Look at me, Paula,” I say again, lifting her chin. She squeezes her eyes tight.
“Eyes don’t matter here, Simon,” She protests.
“Paula,” I kiss her throat softly.
“Shut up,” She orders again. “If you want me, then just have me.”
“I don’t want you only once.”
I stop. This is not what I want. And I know, despite what she believes or is forcing herself to believe, it isn’t what she wants either. Not a quickie in her dressing room. Not one that we could never speak of again. I remember how we got into each others’ systems when we were sleeping together. It had taken ages to get over each other and move on with our lives… Oh that’s right, we are still counting on that to happen. Either way, the one time I bed Paula after all these years, I would never forget – I would never get over her, and neither of us need that.
She slowly reopens her eyes to meet mine.
It was like the real Paula snapped into place at the moment, her face regaining the sanity and calm that it usually has. She inhales sharply, seemingly trying to grasp what just happened here. She scrambles off of me and walks to the other end of the room, face in her hands.
“Paula-” I begin, but I’m not sure what I’m going to say.
“Simon- just leave,” She tells me, looking back.
“Wha-?” My eyes widen. After all of that, she wants me to simply leave?
“Just go, Simon. I can’t do this right now.” She waves me off with one hand.
I walk up to her and take her shoulders, angling her towards me.
“Don’t do this again,” I plead. Paula shies away, covering her semi-exposed chest. “I’m trying to get over you – why won’t you let me?” I touch her cheek.
“I…” tears well in her eyes. “I don’t want you to,” She admits and I could laugh at the absurdity of the situation.
“Do you want me to live my life with unreturned-” She cuts me off.
“Simon, please… Just go.” She points to the door.
“Don’t do this again,” I repeat, holding her face.
“Simon -” A pause. “It – love - whatever it is, isn’t enough... You need to leave,” She mumbles.
“Not again, Paula,” I whisper pitifully but she says nothing this time.
Sighing, I slip my shirt back on and hand her hers. She takes it, not meeting my eyes again. I trace a finger down her bare back, which is currently facing me. She shivers but stands firm. I move her hair to the side and place a soft kiss on her neck, where she is sensitive. This time it is her turn to sigh and she leans back to give me access for a split second, before realising her involuntary reaction. Her head snaps back to attention and I have the need to say one last thing before I leave.
“Run away with me.”
Paula whirls around to meet my eyes, mouth agape, chest barely covered. I look deep into her eyes. Trust me, I’m just as shocked her.
“I’m serious.” I say.
“Run away with you, Simon? What do you think this is - some fantasy love story? We’re famous all over the world. I think they would notice.” She says sarcastically.
“Then bloody be with me. I’ll make you the bloody happiest you’ve ever been… You know I would.”
She looks down at her feet. Oh she knows. She knows it much too well.
“If not, then let me have a serious relationship with Sinitta…” I crook a finger under her chin and lift it. Her eyes are glossy. “I will not hurt her and those kids, Paula.” For a second, even my vision goes hazey. “I can’t hurt them.” It would hurt me if I caused any pain to the three of them, so dear to my heart.
I manage to compose myself, while her tears end up falling big and unstoppable, down her cheeks.
“Just go.” She says.
“I just wish it were enough,” I murmur, wiping my glossy lips and straightening out my shirt.
Outside, the entourage is no longer around and I’m thankful for that. They’ll reappear soon though, I’m sure. Sinitta is talking to Kara who has struck a tentative friendship with her and Zachary apparently. Randy and Ryan have already left. Right now, I kind of wish Ryan was here. He is someone I can talk to when I feel the need to express my feelings. Maybe I’ll give him a call tomorrow.
“Hi.” Sinitta spots me and flits to my side. “Is Paula alright?” She asks, and I can tell she is simply trying to be diplomatic.
“She’ll be fine,” I reply, not at all sure if it is the truth.
“Okay. Well let’s go then,” She smiles widely. I chuckle softly and reach for Zac. He wraps his small hand around my little finger and grins up at me. I make a face and he laughs. Sinitta holds Maggie’s hand and we say goodbye to Kara. Nina trails behind slightly as we head for the exit.
As we pass through the hallway, Paula emerges, with a bag of her things, surprisingly still alone. She is just closing the door when she sees us. Sinitta pretends not to notice her, keeping her full attention on Maggie and I can’t help but wonder if she suspects something.
Paula stares deep into my eyes as I pass and Zac looks at her quizzically. Her eyes say it all, as always – there is confusion, regret, despair and jealousy. Mostly regret.
Sinitta. Sinitta.