The Inevitable Fanfiction

Chapter 16 – In Your Honour
I wake up to some shuffling in the otherwise quiet room. The room is still in darkness, and no sun shines through the light coloured curtains. I turn over and I see an unfamiliar digital clock. It is just after six a.m. and I am very keen on going back to sleep. However, there is a reason the clock is unfamiliar. There is a reason that the bed sheets are not as soft as the ones in my house. Everything that happened last night floods back to my mind, and my eyes open quickly. I sit up and scan the room. The dressing table is full of cosmetics and Paula is awake. She is just coming out of the bathroom in a robe. Her skin is dewy and her hair is wet, making it look straight and longer than usual. She looks gorgeous, except for one tiny detail. She has been crying.
She sits beside me and takes my hand.
“Do you think I’m a horrible person?” She asks; her voice quiet. Her eyes shut in what I can only conclude to be regret.
“No. You’re the nicest person I know.” I say. And it is the truth.
“Then why do I keep hurting everyone I love?” She blinks back the tears that are threatening to fall.
“Paula…” I pause, pushing a lock of hair behind her ear “Don’t cry. You’re supposed to look most beautiful today.” I let my thumb caress the soft skin underneath her eye, willing it not to turn red and puffy.
“You’re going to just let me marry him?” She asks, obviously shocked. In awe, even.
“I can’t stand in the way of your happiness…” I look at her from under my eyelashes. I sigh. “Even if it means that happiness is Jeremy Hunter.”
Paula stares at me for a second.
“Oh God,” She squeaks. The tears spill onto her cheeks. She holds my shoulders and presses her face into my chest.
“I don’t deserve either of you. I can’t believe that I cheated on him. I’m hurting everyone and –” She mumbles between tears.
“Shush, darling,” I say, softly. “You aren’t a bad person. Not at all.”
That is all I can give her unfortunately. Even the nicest of people hurt others. And she has hurt me, and she would have hurt Hunter if he found out. But she is not ‘that’ sort of a girl, and I understand that this affects her.
“I can’t do it, Simon. I can’t marry him.” The tears fall and I feel like the worst kind of person.
“No, Paula, don’t do this… You should marry him,” I find myself saying.
She cuddles into me and cries silently, waiting for me to continue. I hold her and kiss her damp hair.
“I accepted that you don’t want to be with me. I accepted that you’ll be better off with Hunter, and I know it’s probably true. But I had to be with you. For as long as I could get you… and now I might have ruined everything. I’m sorry.”
“As horrible as it is of me, Simon, I don’t regret what happened last night. I regret that I have hurt you and Jeremy. But I think I needed to be with you too.”
“You aren’t horrible. Not even close.”
Unfortunately, that is all I can give her. Even the nicest of people end up hurting others, so it seemed. I nuzzle her neck, affectionately and she lets me.
“Maybe now we can move on,” Paula says after a while.
Move on.
And suddenly, everything became a little funnier.
“Moving on? You think that’s what we’ve been doing?” I chuckle, and kiss Paula’s cheek. I would love to kiss her lips, but that time is over with. It was over with the moment she fell asleep in my arms last night.
“That’s what I’d like to tell myself, at least.” She flushes.
We stay silent for a little while. It’s strange how there doesn’t seem to be any rush, though her wedding is in a matter of hours and by now, you’d think she would be getting dressed already with a million stylists around her. For the first time ever, we slept the night in each others’ arms, and in the morning, stayed there. Pity that it is the same morning she will be getting married to another man.
“Marry him, Paula.” I tell her, after what seems to be an age. I take her hands in mine and squeeze lightly. She looks at me. “He wants to be a dad. He wants to be with you forever… And, this is going to sound stupid, but if he is the one that makes you smile your best smile in twenty years, then he is the one you should be with.”
She touches my face.
“Not stupid... Not one bit stupid.” She rests her cheek against mine.
“So no regrets, okay?” I say, trying to sound cheery for the both of us.
“No regrets.” She takes a deep breath. “As wrong as it is, Simon, I’m glad what happened last night, happened.”
“A maid of honour is with his bride every step of the way, right?” I joke. It is stupid, and not really that funny. But she throws her head back anyway and we both laugh.
And there I see her best smile.

***
I slip my clothes on and soon, it is time for me to leave. Paula is looking in the mirror, now. She is waiting for her stylists to come in and I need to leave as soon as possible. She knows this but doesn’t say anything. She stares in the mirror, glances down at her ring and then back at the mirror. She glances at her dress and then back at the mirror, at her reflection.
I slip my arms around her waist from behind and we stare at us together in this vanity. I rest my chin on her head and hold her close to me.
“Handsome couple,” She mumbles. I nod.
We stare at ourselves. For one second, I feel like I’m in a movie, where two unlikely people fall in love and never look back. Maybe they get married and live happily ever after with three children. Right now, I sort of wish that was my fate. I stand much taller than her, and her tanned skin compliments mine. Our dark hair matches perfectly… We would make nice looking children.
In some parallel universe, I mean. This is no movie after all. It’s a far cry from the real ‘Made of Honour’. We’re not at all honourable, after what we’ve done. Ironic, is it not?
“You said to me before that I’m your soul mate. Remember?” Paula asks, meeting the eyes of my reflection.
“Yeah, I do. For the rest of my life,” I recall, fondly. A little sadly. “You remember?” I ask, surprised. I had said it in a joking tone, a few years ago, but I had meant it. I had shocked even myself when I realised I had meant it very much.
“I do.” She smiles a small smile.
Hah. ‘I do’. I make a sound of amusement.
“I do, indeed.”
“My soul mate,” Paula muses, nodding. “Will you be there?” She asks after a short pause.
I let my nose nuzzle her temple before kissing it, as I think of what to say.
“I don’t know, Paula. I’d have to be as strong as people think I am to be there and watch.”
“You won’t come running in and saying ‘I object’ right?” She tries to joke.
“No promises,” I reply. She turns to me, as if to see my reaction. I realise my mouth has not twitched upwards and all of a sudden, I think I might be serious.
For her sake though, I grin and wink. She lets out a relieved breath.
“Goodbye, Paula,” I say. My voice sounds shaky in my ears. I’m sure she notices.
“Bye, Simon.”
As I walk out that door and it shuts behind me, I can’t help but wonder if this goodbye is forever.
***
At home, I brush my teeth with my own toothbrush. It feels better than the new one in Paula’s suite. I rinse my mouth and hurry to shave, nicking myself once. I still haven’t figured out if I am going to the wedding, but I might as well have enough time to make up my mind beforehand. Everything feels like a blur now, and the reality that Paula is going to be married in less than two hours has not sunk in.
In the shower, flashes of our night together play back in my mind, this reality being real and fiery. So much so, that I have to turn the water cold in order to think properly.
Soon enough, I find myself slipping into my suit and adjusting my tie. The things I do for that woman. My eyes close and a small smile plays on my face. The things I would do again in a heartbeat for that same woman. How did Paula Abdul manage to tame the bachelor boy into a man irrevocably and utterly crazy about her? Lord only knows.
My driver is already waiting downstairs, so I grab a muffin that my housekeeper has made and slide into the backseat of the Bentley. Outside the hotel, paparazzi are screaming and demanding to be let in. But it is a closed function and no security guard in their right mind would allow them in.
It is a grand marriage, undoubtedly. Current and past A-list celebrities arrive in style, along with Paula’s not so famous, but still rich friends. My mother and brothers are already there, and they have saved a seat for me. Actually, they saved two seats, but Sinitta is not coming. I join them wordlessly. People file in, giddy and excited as ever. I wish I could be that excited.
Mum beside me takes my hand and strokes my knuckles.
“I’m sorry.” She says, simply. Nicholas and Tony look at me and I must look like a wreck, behind my fancy clothes, because even they can see right through me.
We sit there only a short while when Wendy, Lorraine and Hunter shuffle in, smiling widely. They take their seats near the front with Paula’s nephews, Alex and Austin. The background music that has been playing throughout becomes louder and just slightly faster paced.
Jeremy stands there, in front of the priest looking disgustingly dashing. He is just a few years younger than me, but his hair is not as gray as mine, and he stands too many inches taller than I would should I be in his place right now. With that thought, my mind takes a route of its own and starts fantasising a day that Paula and I would be wed. Impossible, obviously, and slightly absurd in my no-wife life, but I could imagine it. Before I can picture Paula coming down the aisle, in her wedding dress, walking closer and closer to me, the doors open majestically and I no longer need to imagine.
My heart beat quickens as the many flower girls and bridesmaids enter. Paula, on her father’s arm follow right behind, and to say she is a beautiful creature in white would be an understatement.
Weddings have never appealed to me. Women have looked prettier in dresses that aren’t white and fluffy. But at this moment, Paula in a long flowing dress with a veil covering her face has to be the most gorgeous thing I have ever laid eyes on.
Her hair has been done up, short curls hiding where her veil is pinned in her hair. She holds a bouquet of pink and white roses as she steps down the aisle. Hunter, I am vaguely aware of, is staring at her in awe and I don’t blame him. Bloody blessed bloke will get to call her his for the rest of his life.
Paula, however, is shaking behind her smile. Harry pats her elbow comfortingly whilst everyone watches them. Her eyes show no sign of acknowledgment; instead they flicker across the room hastily.
Then she sees me.
Her eyes widen and she worries her bottom lip – something she has done a lot of lately. Something she does only when she is nervous and uncertain. Her eyes bore into mine for a moment, before she looks away and at Hunter. Mum squeezes my hand. I wish I had the strength to squeeze back.
Paula reaches the end of the aisle much too quickly. Harry kisses her forehead and ‘hands’ her to Jeremy. They angle themselves towards each other as the rabbi stands before them. Lucky for the Abduls, Hunter was fine with Jewish vows.
Jeremy smiles at Paula, visibly shaking in her heels. He lifts her veil and they begin.
“We are here today to join this man and woman in holy matrimony,” The rabbi says and my stomach knots. Paula is stealing glances my way and I don’t know how to deal with it.
“Before we begin, is there anyone who objects to this marriage? If so, speak now or forever hold your peace –”
And the priest turns to me. A small part of my mind registers that everyone has turned to me. It takes me a second to figure out why. It seems that my feet, on their own accord, have pulled me to stand. My fingers curl into themselves.
Paula gasps inaudibly and shrinks in size right before me while Jeremy’s eyebrows could not rise any higher. I look at the bride and her shaken form. I can’t do this to her. My fingers unclench and I take a deep breath. There is pin drop silence. No one is even breathing.
My mother, beside me pulls at my cuff. I tug away from her grasp and walk passed the people sitting in my row. I take big steps down the aisle, and soon I am standing before the couple and rabbi.
“Simon,” Paula gasps. Her eyes prick with tears. I have made her cry far too many times in these few days, and I won’t do it again.
Hunter backs away, confused and pretty mad, I’m sure. But I couldn’t care less. I cup Paula’s face in my hand.
“I’m not objecting…” I begin, and while my actions beg to differ; in reality I could never object to her happiness. “Just… don’t make me watch, please, Paula.”
Her hands rest on my shoulders and slide so they hold my neck.
“I’m not that strong, Paula... Don’t make me watch this.”
I take her hands and place them back at her sides, unable to let my hold of them go.
“Simon, don’t do this. Please,” She begs, and tears spill freely. I have made her cry yet again. How righteous of you, Simon.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper and back away.
I have never meant it more in my fifty years.
I walk down the carpet, this time heading in the opposite direction, with my head hung low. As my hand touches the door, I turn back one more time. Everyone stares at Paula, including me.
She whimpers painfully and takes a step towards me. Maybe she is in pain. I know I am. Before she can set her foot down though, Hunter takes her arm. She turns to him and he whispers something in her ear. She shakes her head frantically as a reply and if she turns back to look at me I suppose I’ll never know.
I never have done the honourable thing in love. I’m too selfish and too weak for that. I don’t do what is honourable this time either.
The door swings to a close behind me and I walk away.
The End.