The Inevitable Fanfiction

Chapter 5 – In Honour of Loss
I am free the whole day mostly and I take just a couple of business calls from home. I also call my mother who I am missing dearly.
“Hello, darling,” She greets, cheery as ever.
“Hello, mum. How are you?” I sink into my couch.
“I’m very well, Simon. What about you?”
“I’m alright. How are Nick and Tony?”
“They’re fine. Nicholas is coming over for tea tomorrow.”
“That sounds nice… I wish I could be there. When are you coming for a visit, mother?” I miss her when I am in the U.S. for Idol.
“Oh, I don’t know. I’m old, Simon. I can’t travel so much now.” My heart sinks a little.
“Don’t talk like that, mum. You are healthy as a horse. Will you please visit this month? I’ll send you my plane. Come with Nick?”
“I’ll think about it, alright?” I sigh, knowing that was all I was going to get. “So how is everyone on that side of the pond?”
“Terri is fine; getting quite serious with her new man,” I laugh.
“You don’t sound at all jealous. Even after six years,” She points out.
“I was moving on even while we were together, you know that mum. And now it’s been almost three years.”
“I know… She was a lovely catch though.”
“Mother!” I groan.
“Sorry, sorry! Just teasing, love,” She giggles. “And how are Paw-la, Randy and Ryan?”
“Oh, Paula’s fine. Engaged, you know.” I try to sound airy, like I don’t really care but in a way I want her to know I am upset about it all. “Ryan-” I start but I’m interrupted like I knew I would be.
“Engaged?! Oh, I didn’t hear!” She pauses. “Oh dear... You want to talk about it, darling?”
“What’s to talk about?” I cover my face with one hand, rubbing my temples.
“Maybe how you feel? From what you told me, I thought you two had started a relationship maybe. What went wrong?”
“Apparently my message wasn’t clear enough. Now she’s got herself another British bloke and I’ve been demoted to ‘just friend’ again.”
“Oh, sweetheart,” She sighs.
“I didn’t realise how painful it would be,” I admit in a hushed tone, like I don’t want anyone overhearing.
“You really are in love with her, aren’t you?” Her tone is so surprised.
“That’s a bit farfetched…” I protest mildly.
“Simon, don’t think you can pull off that rubbish with your own mother.” I sigh loudly.
“What does it mean to be in love, anyway? I know I love her, mum, but don’t ask me for more,” I mumble.
“Don’t you think she ought to know this?” My mum asks, always direct.
“It’s not like she’d leave him for me, even if I did.” I rub my face. It’s not easy for a grown man to speak of his feelings so openly.
“Simon, as your mother, I admit I might be slightly biased, but I have watched her around you for a while now and whether or not she realises it, the woman is downright nutters for you.”
I smile.
“Mum, you know how to make my day. You really do.” Even though the situation hasn’t changed, her words bring me some comfort.
“That’s what I’m here for.”
“I love you, mum,” I tell her.
“Love you too, my darling boy. Now cheer up, alright?” She makes a kissing sound in the phone.
“Yeah,” I chuckle slightly.
I hang up the phone with my heart a little lighter and my smile a little wider. I should really just look forward to Paula coming over and us spending some more time together.
It might be awkward again though as last night did not end very well. We almost kissed and I stormed out without warning, leaving her probably confused and angry as hell... Well, I’d like to think she is angry rather than upset but I am more convinced she would have been disheartened. I hope she didn’t cry – I hate to make her cry and always have, even in the first season of American Idol, despite contrary belief.
I have a quiet meal by the pool, take some calls and watch some TV waiting for Paula to arrive. But by the time it gets to 8pm I am a little panicky. She probably got caught up with work or something, knowing her. So I call. I call three times. Each time the answering machine picks up.
‘Hey, it’s Paula! I’m not here right now. Leave a message and I’ll call you later, kay? Bye-bye.’ After the third time, I cut it off halfway and throw the phone onto the couch.
This time I call Pam, whose number I conveniently saved. She picks it up after the fourth ring.
“Mr. Cowell?” She asks, surprised.
“Hello, Pam. I’m just wondering where Paula’s got to,” I say, more calm than I feel.
“She’s um, upstairs. With Jeremy,” She stutters. I feel my heart drop to my stomach.
“Ah, I see.”
“I can get her if you’d like…” It’s as if she understands how I am feeling right now.
“No, no. Don’t bother.”
“Okay, if you’re sure... Goodnight, Mr. Cowell,”
“Simon,” I correct. “Goodnight, Pam.”

***
I am already in Paula’s house by noon, Monday. Kylie and Sonia and some other people I don’t know are showing me the arrangements for the Bridal shower. I never realised how many things there were to consider, actually. There is the timing, the menu, guest list, return gifts and loads of things I’m sure I didn’t pick up. Not that I really want to remember. It’s too damn girly.
“It’s going to be at a beach, and –” Kylie starts but she is interrupted.
“Simon?” Paula walks into the living room, raising her sunglasses to her head.
“Paw-la,” I say coldly.
“What are you doing here? Looking at my… bridal shower arrangements?” Her brows rise.
“Kylie was just mentioning to me –” I try and cover but she already knows. I can tell by her eyes.
“So that’s what you’ve been up to and keeping from me!” She snaps her fingers. “You’ve been playing Maid of Honour.” She gives me that ‘aww, you’re just too cute’ face.
“Yes, well, I think I’m done here. Goodbye.” I kiss Kylie’s cheeks and walk out of the room without even an acknowledgement to Paula. I can almost see her frowning behind me.
“You’re going?” She asks, following me to the hall.
“Yes I am. I didn’t come here to see you ,” I sneer.
“No, you came to arrange my wedding instead,” She laughs.
“You can tell Jeremy I am quitting then.” I cross my arms.
“But why?” Her eyes are big and innocent.
“Because I don’t feel like making your fairytale wedding come to life when you stood me up!” I snap.
“Oh,” She whispers.
“Oh? Is that all you have to say? Right, Paw-la, you know what, I’m leaving.” I place my hand on the door handle.
“Wait, Simon… I’m sorry,” She places a hand on my back. I tense and open the door. “I just didn’t know what to do after we- You know.” I swing back around and look her in the eyes.
“No, I don’t know,” I tell her, being difficult.
“After we almost kissed,” She says in a hushed tone and scans the room quickly.
“Oh,” is my revenge.
She glares.
“Well what did you expect me to do? Go over to your house and pretend that everything is fine? Like nothing’s different? And put it all-” I hear the words but she could be speaking Yiddish for all I know. Which, might I add, I wouldn’t hold beyond her.
I comprehend and remember nothing as I stare at her; hands on hips, eyes bright with anger, chest heaving and lips moving oh so temptingly.
Instinctively, I swoop down and claim her lips with mine. She lets out a surprised gasp and tries to break free but I hold her by the waist. She will give in. She always has. I keep my mouth insistent on hers as I push her against the wall, placing a hand on her face, holding her to me. I can feel her starting to give as her lips soften.
I almost smile against her mouth, but I can’t break the moment, so instead, I press her harder against the wall and when she moans I push my tongue into her mouth. This is what we do best – kissing. And maybe teasing each other. Her tongue strokes mine. I simply can’t get enough of her; I move my hands down to her rump and lift her up. Pinning her between me and the wall again, this time with her legs wrapped around me tightly.
She groans into my mouth and I start kissing down her jaw line. However, like in a perfected scene in a movie, we are interrupted.
“Oh my-” A man’s voice booms from the top of the stairs. I pull away quickly; my first reaction was that it is Hunter. But it’s Paula’s friend Jimmy and he is something between grinning widely and looking disappointed. I don’t even know how that’s possible.
“This isn’t… This isn’t what it looks like,” Paula says slowly.
“Of course not,” He sniggers, patronising. “See ya.” He disappears down the corridor, leaving Paula and I alone again.
I turn to look at her and the next thing I see is her hand swinging towards my face. Instinctively, I grab it.
“Bloody hell, Paw-la!”
I can’t believe she almost slapped me! She has probably only done that once before, many years ago. And it had hurt. A lot.
“What the hell you slapping me for?” I demand, shocked.
“For kissing me, you ass! Here I am lecturing you about it all and you go and make a mistake you prevented the day before?!” She shouts and her voice echoes. As she hears her own voice she visibly shrinks a little and says softly this time. “Why did you do that, Simon?”
It seems it has become a subconscious habit of mine; leaving her with no answer whatsoever. However, her tears come too quickly this time and I have to hear them before I can walk out the door. I hear her sniff and my feet are glued to the spot. I can’t leave if I have hurt her like this.
“Paula,” I say gently. “Don’t – Gads, don’t cry, Paula.”
“Why did you have to ruin it, Simon? Why did you have to ruin my engagement?” She cries and tries punching me in my chest. I take her wrist and she tries with the other hand. I grab that too and hold her so she can’t fight me. “Why do you have to kiss me like that?” She leans against me, arms still immobile.
“Like what?” I ask, dumbly.
“Like, like-” She seems hesitant to say it. “Like the damn best kisser in the world! Like making me feel like there’s no one else and all that weak in the knees crap. As if it ****ing means something to you. Like you love me!” She beats my chest with little strength.
“Paula... Do you even doubt that I do?” She stays silent. “What does it matter now?”
This time she answers; “Because I’m with Jeremy, damn it!” Her voice is shrill and it startles me.
No, definitely not what I was hoping for.
“You are in love me, Paula,” I tell her, looking deep into her eyes. I keep saying it in my head, reminding myself of all those rumours and even what my mother said and all the evidence I have. I’ve always teased her about this, since we met, but this time there is no joking lilt in my tone. It is right here and right now. But at this moment as I stare at her, there’s a small voice that says maybe she doesn’t really love me. Well, that’s not fair. She does but maybe that love is platonic.
Again her hand lifts, slowly this time but my first reaction is to grab it and hold it away from my face. However, her expression is calm, eyes boring into my own, and she pulls her wrist out of my grasp so her fingers can brush the same cheek she attempted to attack just seconds ago.
“What if I say I’m not?” She whispers.
“Then you’d be lying,” I say, equally quiet.
“I’m with Jeremy, Simon. I’m engaged to him, and in three months I’m going to be his wife. Now you can either deal with that as my friend and move pass it, or –” She looks down. “I don’t want to lose you as a friend.”
My eyes widen.
“You mean you’re telling me you’re willing to give up our decade long friendship for someone you’ve known barely a year? You’ve rushed into marriage before, Paula, and it got you nowhere. Or rather, an ex-father-in-law who doesn’t remember you and an ex-husband who should go to jail for what he did.” My fist clenches as I recall what she told me about her second marriage. Honestly though, this has been eating me and I finally found a good opportunity to get it off my chest.
“Please – I don’t want to talk about…. Him…” She looks at our feet. “I don’t want to talk about any of this anymore.”
“So then what?”
“I think you should leave,” She tells me softly.
“With this unresolved?” I ask.
“There is no solution, Simon. But I meant what I said –” Again she raises her hand, and holds my face, this time with both hands. She takes a moment to play with my hair, caress my neck and trace my cheekbone before continuing. I don’t know why I allow it. “I don’t want to lose our friendship,”
“If it wasn’t such horrid circumstances… I’d kiss you again.” I chuckle bitterly before pulling out of her grasp and walk away, getting out my pack of cigs.