The Inevitable Fanfiction

Different
Something is different here. Something has definitely changed. There is a change in the vibes of the atmosphere. It is there when she walks in the room, when you kiss her cheek and smile shyly. It is there when you bite your lip before answering her questions and the way you scan the room uncomfortably. She plays with the hem of shirt too, and I note that as pretty as she looks today, you won’t look at her. Nor me, for that matter. You conveniently miss me when you look around, and I know it is no accident. Your ears turn red when she laughs awkwardly before walking away. Something is very different.
During the show you watch me with a smile, and I smile back, but I have no idea what to say. You have become more attentive to me this season, but what this could mean, I will not allow myself to dwell on. You don’t say anything either so we sit beside each other, referring to each other in critiques but we don’t play our word game today. Numerous times, when one of our kids is singing you look at me and open your mouth slightly. Each time I hope you will say something, but each time your mouth closes again. I need to know what has happened, why you look so disheveled and I expect you to tell me. Is it your mother? Is Julie alright? Nick? Tony? Is it what I think? Could it be? The possibilities race in my mind as I stare at your timid face.
Finally when the show has ended I begin to search for you, but you had shot out of your seat and disappeared somewhere. She is still there, making small talk with contestants and crew. She isn’t looking for you. A few people talk to me but I have no recollection of our conversations as soon as we part, because I need to find you. You are not in your dressing room so I look for the one place you go when you like to be alone. I follow the familiar trail through a narrow corridor and out a side door. There you are, leaning back against the wall. Your eyes are closed, and your head tilted back. A cigarette dangles from your fingers and the smoke leaves your breath.
“Simon,” I whisper. You turn to me with that small smile that I have to see too often tonight. “Talk to me.”
You lift an arm and I approach despite the smell. It is stronger on your shirt and breath today, which worries me.
“Are you okay?” I ask. I rest my head on your chest and my arms wrap around your waist; making me reminisce the familiarity.
“I think so?” Why must you say this like a question?
“You’re okay,” I tell you, with assurance. You finish your cigarette and stub it with your heel.
“I’m free,” you say and you can’t seem to believe your own words, as if you have never felt freedom before.
It takes me a moment to register this, and piece it together with everything I have seen today. It seems so obvious now, and while I want my assumption to be true, I don’t know what happens next if it is.
“Did you – Are you –?” I stumble.
You chuckle in that low tone of yours, and I can’t breathe. It is true, you did. “I’m a single man, Paula.”
I gasp in spite of myself, tears rushing to my eyes. I have been waiting years to hear those words, so many long years of aching for those words. And now, here they are, whispered into the air. I didn’t know I would feel this way when it finally happened. It is a feeling I cannot explain – a mixture of adrenaline, fear, guilt and happiness all in one. Trust it to be you to be the one that does this to me. No other man could.
“You’re-” I cannot even formulate a sentence as you wipe the tears that I didn’t notice falling. You pull me into your arms. “I can’t believe this.”
“I can’t either.” You chuckle again and kiss my hair.
I look up into your eyes, and I am sure I look like a mess now. My nose is running and my eyes streaming. You don’t seem to mind though; you smile down at me.
“Does this mean-” I prepare to stumble again, but you spare me with a finger pressed to my lips.
“It doesn’t have to mean anything you don’t want it to. We can wait – we have time.”
“We’ve had seven years.” Something between a sob and a laugh escapes me, in my disbelief.
“True.” You laugh and I can’t help but join in. I don’t know how you do it, but you never fail to make me laugh.
I don’t know how long passes, as we stay in each other’s arms, going from silence to disbelieving laughter and back to silence again.
“Wow,” I say after a while; I still cannot believe this. You smile and nod understandingly.
“Yeah, wow.”
I know it is not the right time to ask this, and I know it will ruin the moment, but I can’t help it. I ask, “Is Terri okay?”
You tense beside me, and I wish I hadn’t said anything. Shutting my eyes, biting my lip and tightening my arms around you, I wait for your response which takes a while to come.
“As okay as you would expect, I suppose. I think she kind of knew it was coming.” I hang my head; I know how that feels and would never wish it upon anyone else.
You lift my chin as if sensing my guilty conscience. “She doesn’t blame you, darling. You and I, it was just inevitable, I think.”
I nod but say nothing. Your eyes pierce through mine for a moment, and suddenly I don’t know what happened. Your lips are on mine and it takes a second for me to realise just how perfect it feels. How complete I feel. Softly, we caress each other and nothing else in the world matters at this moment. There is no taste of tobacco, no clock that ticks, no studio behind us – nothing. I’ll never know how you do this to me.
No differently to any other time you spontaneously kiss me, you wink. And no differently, I blush. We walk out to the car park together, where the sky is dark and the building is quiet. I get into my car, and roll the window down. As if fate would have it, it is the one day I drove myself to the studio, which means you and I are alone.
“See you tomorrow, love.” You bend down and I lean in for one more kiss.
“Bye, Simon.”
Unlike every other night, where we take opposite turn offs on the free way, to different neighbourhoods and different houses, this time it is different. This time, we are different.