The Inevitable Fanfiction

Waiting
Simon’s POV
“What are you gonna name the baby?” Ryan asks and I could just swat him.
“Hatcher,” I reply without missing a beat. It’s the first name that comes to my mind, and it makes everyone laugh. The last thing we need is to get too personal on camera.
Terri steers them away from the topic slightly, probably uncomfortable discussing babies with all our friends, when really, we’ve never sat down and had the conversation ourselves. Not that her question is much better. “Can we talk about how uncomfortable Simon was when you brought up this subject of relationship?”
“Well Terri, you can help us with that; enlighten us Terri. I don’t know.” Randy laughs, and I take the opportunity to glance at Paula. She is shaking her leg nervously as she glances back at me. I feel bad for her – almost as bad as I feel for myself, stuck in this awkward moment.
“No, no, but to be – Paula to be serious, I have never seen him turn red; the second I start talking about ‘the baby’. I actually felt bad, I’m sorry,” says Ryan. I laugh at him and his so-called subtle way of insulting me, and hitting a nerve by bringing Paula into it. The prick, he knows too much.
I stare at Paula, hoping to catch her eye again, but she’s looking away, uncharacteristically quiet. What could she say, anyway? Definitely nothing appropriate. She can’t tell them how she and I have had this conversation before, how she and I had had a heart to heart on more than one occasion about these things, and one quite recently too. She can’t say that I picked her to talk about this over all my other friends and girlfriend.
“Terri, is there a bond in the oven?” Randy asks, and I can feel my cheeks get warm as I laugh nervously. I sort of wish now Paula hadn’t shown up so she didn’t have to listen to this. But then again, I’ve missed her.
“No there’s not,” replies Terri. “I’m just more interested in how uncomfortable he was.” Of course she would be, and I almost rolled my eyes.
“I’ll tell you why; we were here to talk about American Idol. I thought it was a bit disrespectful.” My hand comes up to scratch my forehead, though I know it is the biggest psychological sign that I’m lying. It is the most appropriate thing I can say though, at a time like this. Everyone laughs and even Paula lets out a little giggle.
It’s relieving when Terri finally changes the topic, knowing that she’s hit a dead end, and we bring it back to Paula and her surprise appearance on Leno with us. She and I have spoken off and on, but she had conveniently missed this part out – hence the surprise. I tell them how jaw dropping it was to see Paula there, and I think she knows that I’m saying I missed her. She too relishes the ease of this discussion, finally being herself and making funny gestures.
I try to get a moment with Paula, away from prying eyes, but no such luck. I can’t even see where she disappears to almost immediately after the segment and Terri grabs my arm, discussing our plans for tonight.
“I was thinking we could go out…” she says, and I nod.
“Sure, darling.” I kiss Terri’s cheek and she smiles. “Can I meet you at the car, Terri? I just need to go to the washroom.”
“Alright.”
She, Randy and Ryan walk ahead, out to the car park, stopping to chat with Jay on the way. I am thankful for the time, as I begin my search for Paula. The restrooms are at the far back of the studio, and I hope to find her there.
“Paula?” I call, knocking softly on the girls’ room door.
“One sec!” I hear her voice and she opens the door quickly, as if she had only been in front of it. I look behind her to find all the cubicles and the whole bathroom empty, so I step in.
“You’re okay?” I touch her cheek and she nods hastily. Was she about to cry, I wonder? There wasn’t really anything to cry about, but she is an emotional girl, and for all I know, she might have been overwhelmed.
“Yeah.” Her voice is soft and feeble. She wraps her arms around me and buries her face into my chest. Instinctively, that feeling I get to protect her comes back, so I hug her close and press my lips to her forehead. “Can we do dinner tonight?”
I can feel a lump in my throat. “I’m sorry love, but I already have plans with Terri.” Bloody hell, why hadn’t she asked me earlier? Why hadn’t I asked her first? I can see Terri anytime, but I miss my Paula.
“Oh.”
I place a crooked finger under her chin and lift her head. “I’m sorry,” I say softly.
“It’s okay.” She shrugs out of my embrace. “Are you okay – about… you know?” She smiles shyly, a little sadly.
At that moment, one of the runners chooses to come in, before I can reply. We both jump back suddenly, knowing that our proximity couldn’t look good.
“I’m so sorry! So, so sorry. I’ll come back later.” The girl shakes in her shoes as I chuckle. Taking Paula by the hand, I lead her out.
“Don’t worry, Paula and I got a little lost, that’s all,” I say lamely, hoping a joke would do the trick. Paula hides behind me, nose against my arm, blushing.
“I can just imagine what she thinks we were doing there. How inappropriate.” Paula shakes her head, red in the face.
“We were being perfectly appropriate, Paula,” I say, hoping to get a reaction out of her.
“We should go,” she says, instead of replying. We walk out to the car park and I see Terri there, still talking with Ryan and Jay while Randy seems to have left. They turn to us.
“Look who I found walking in the corridors!” I joke and that façade is back, to say what is appropriate and not what is true.
“Paula!” Jay laughs and is quick to steal her from my side and wrap an arm around her shoulders. She is his favourite person out of all of us. She giggles quietly, still not her upbeat self.
“There you are, Simon,” Terri smiles, taking my hand. My eyes glance at Paula as soon as I feel the contact, and just as soon, her eyes have landed on Terri’s and my joint hands. She meets my eyes for a second before looking away.
“Ready to go?” I ask, looking back at Terri.
“Yep.” She smiles brightly and kisses Jay’s cheeks. I shake hands with him and Ryan, sharing a few parting words, before letting my eyes rest on Paula again. She smiles at me from the comfort of Jay’s arm around her, and I have to put my own arms out before she is willing to step any closer to me.
“Bye, Simon,” she says as soon as I have her in my embrace. She pats my back briefly and pulls away. I think she and I ought to have another one of those heart-to-hearts, because this distance can never healthy between us.
“I’ll call you,” I whisper in her ear, inhaling the scent of her hair quickly before letting go. She bites her lip and I can feel her eyes boring into my back as Terri and I walk away.

*
Dinner is slow moving and boring, and as much as I hate to say it, and feel like this, it’s always this way with Terri. I can’t help it – this relationship is safe, comfortable and easy, but she does nothing to challenge me, nothing to excite me anymore. We have our moments, I admit, and maybe a few years ago I would have said this is the best it can get... now things have changed. Now, I simply can’t imagine me spending the rest of my life with her.
“Goodnight, Simon.” Terri says and wraps her arms around me from behind.
She has a brush in her hand, which is being pressed into my stomach as she hugs me. I peel her arms off me gently so I can turn and kiss her goodnight.
“I’ll come to bed in a bit; I just need to make a call, alright?” She nods and kisses me once more before tucking herself into bed.
I grab my phone, cigarettes and lighter off the bedside table and head for the balcony of our bedroom. The chill of the air greets me, strangely pleasant with its slight breeze. I light a cigarette and fiddle with my phone, wondering whether Paula would still be awake. It’s only 10pm, I decide, so it wouldn’t hurt to try.
Her answer is almost immediate. “Hi, Simon,” she says quickly, and I laugh.
“Have you been waiting for my call, darling?”
“No...” I can almost see the blush creep into her cheeks. I take a drag of my cigarette and sigh heavily.
“I missed you today. I wished we could have spoken for longer.”
“Yeah well, you had plans,” she says and the bitter feelings are obvious.
“I said I was sorry, Paw-la. You know I would have taken you out if I could.” How weird that would sound to an outsider, with my girlfriend asleep in our bed, I can’t even imagine, but it’s the way things have turned out.
“I know... I’m sorry.” Her voice is less forceful now. I take another slow drag and watch the smoke escape from my mouth.
“How did this get so messed up?” I find myself asking, as the urge to be with the woman across the line gets more poignant. I rub my face tiredly.
“It’s only messed up if we allow it to be,” she says and it surprises me as she often does, just how deep she can be.
“I know.” I sigh again. “Paula, about today...”
“What about it?” Again her voice becomes strong, but I can still hear the tears that hide there.
“Do you remember that conversation we had before, a few years ago?” I inquire, switching gears.
“How could I forget?”
It had been late at night, at our hotel. We were in Kansas and the pouring rain outside made the atmosphere perfect for a late night conversation. Neither of us had been able to sleep and somehow or the other, we had found ourselves succumbing into each other in the darkness of the night, secrets spilling from our lips. We had spoke about everything that night; ours fears, our loves, our past, and we spoke about me not wanting to settle down.
“I just don’t understand how you could not want to marry and have a family with that girl you fall in love with,” Paula had said.
“It’s not that I don’t want it... It’s just not possible...” I tried to explain, though I doubted she would have understood my reasoning.
“Why, because you’re too old?” She asked, quoting something he had said often.
“Well yeah... and I’m still waiting for that girl.”
“What about Terri, then?”
“Paula, be serious... She’s cute, and I like her, but she’s just that - a girl. Maybe what I need is a real woman who’ll turn my world upside down and all that, you know.” I’d laughed at my own soppiness.
“Then why are you with her?”
“Because no one better is offering...” We had shared a moment, where our eyes had met and our lips had almost found each other, but she had cut our night short and we hadn’t spoken of it since.
“I’m living a lie, Paula.” I put the cigarette to my lips for another drag, as I turn to Terri who I can see through the glass doors of the balcony, is sound asleep.
“Then why don’t you start being honest, Simon?” Her tone is harsh. “If you really want out, then get out, because if you don’t, she’ll find someone else. She won’t wait for you forever.”
“Won’t you?” I ask, before I register that we are pretending it is Terri she was talking about.
“...I won’t.” The tears are there again.
“I– ” I open my mouth to ramble about something, anything, because I know what she’s going to say next and I don’t want to hear it.
“I have to go now, Simon.”
I knew it.
“Wait, Paula.”
“Goodnight.”
“Baby, please,” I plead, throwing my cigarette off the balcony. I hit the stone railing in annoyance with myself, with this whole situation. Not knowing what else to do, and not wanting her to hang up, I say the unthinkable. “I’ve found her, Paula.”
I think of all the things she might reply, ‘found who?’, ‘who is she?’, ‘is it me?’ I don’t really care as long as I get an answer. But much to my dismay, all I hear is the excruciating sound of the dead line.
“I’ve found you,” I mumble, but the words get lost in the night.