The Inevitable Fanfiction

Chapter 2 – In Honour of Our Silence

The show, I’m sure disappointingly to fans, is only about the contestants this time. The camera men are obviously not finding any judges’ action, so they choose to ignore us. That’s fine with me. Unlike the whole of last season where Paula and I became precariously closer than ever, since she abruptly got herself a new boyfriend, now fiancé, things have been turning for the worse. I thought she and I had started the initial stages of a relationship. I thought she thought so too. We had kissed more often, longer, slower. I had taken her out for dinner one more than one occasion – and while I never addressed them as dates, nor did I ever truly speak about how I felt – I thought my actions were enough. Clearly I was mistaken.
Now, Kevin, one of the younger contestants – a dark horse in many ways – walks on stage and the music starts. I don’t recall what he is singing, lost in thought, until I hear the first notes. It’s ‘And So It Goes’ by Billy Joel.
The last time this was sung on Idol was in Season Seven. Paula had picked this song for David Archuleta, and I had remembered how it felt. She had picked it for me, and I her, with David Cook singing ‘First Time Ever I Saw Your Face’ by Roberta Flack. At that point, it was her feelings for me.
Now as I hear the words My silence is my self defense and
‘But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break’
I realise that the tables have been turned and here I am, rejected, dejected and helpless. Paula turns around, talking to Kara softly and moves her chair discretely away from mine. I twist away, knowing it will do no good to stare her down. Silence truly is my self defense.
When the show is over with I get up quickly and start the long walk to my trailer. Apparently though, I am not fast enough because Paula places a hand on my shoulder. I know it’s her and when I turn around it seems that I am right. We are now both in the corridor, near her dressing room.
“Is this how it’s going to be? We’re going to ignore each other forever or something?” She asks; her tone quiet and stern.
“I imagined that’s how you want it considering the fact I had to find out about your personal life through tabloids and Seacrest.” I cross my arms over my chest and follow her when she signals to enter her room. She shuts the door behind us.
“I was busy, ok? I’m sorry,” She throws her hands in the arm above her, walking to her table. She pulls out a blouse and jeans from her duffel bag before turning to me again.
“Too busy to tell me about,” I am walking towards her and pick up her hand. “This?” I take her fingers in mind and gesture to the one that holds a certain ring.
She pulls her hand away as if I had bitten it and takes a step back, so she is against the table, like I had physically attacked her. She rubs her finger and twists her ring like my touch was acidic.
How insulting.
“I’m… I’m sorry. I was just dreading your reaction, and now I know that I had every reason to do so,”
“Maybe if you had told me yourself, I wouldn’t be upset! Did you ever think of that?” My voice raises and she looks like she doesn’t believe a word coming out of my mouth.
“Do you even believe that?” She asks; her eyes boring into mine. And as I continue to gaze, I realise I don’t I don’t believe it at all. I have been assuming the whole time that this is about Paula not informing me and then avoiding me. But according to everyone, including her, that’s not it at all.
“What are you saying?” I ask softly, like I am afraid of the answer. Actually, I just might be.
“I’m saying – ” She starts, but looks down at the clothes in hand instead. We both know the feelings are there. That doesn’t mean we address it. And keeping to the spirit of the stupid game of ours, she says, “I don’t know what I’m saying, Simon. I don’t want things to change between us…. But obviously, that’s already happened.”
Anger rumbles deep in my chest.
“Well I’m sorry, Paw-la! I’m sorry I can’t act like you getting married is the best thing in the whole wide world, and do you know why? Because it’s NOT. Because he’s no good for you and you’re making a big mistake and too blind to see it!” My voice rises louder and louder and I see her almost shrink in size in before me. Her small, frightened frame is upsetting and all volume and my next words disappear from my mind. “I’m so ****ing sorry,” I end lamely.
She squeezes her eyes shut, the way she always does when she refrains from crying. “Can I get a hug?” She asks, opening her arms out to me. Her voice is choked up, the way that pangs at my usually strong heart. I want to give in, to tell her that I’m happy for her, that I have no reason to be unhappy. But I can’t. I can’t lie. I can’t give her comfort that isn’t there. “Simon?” She looks so small as she stares up at me with big, glassy eyes.
She steps closer to be and puts her arms around my waist. I stand motionless as I watch her burrow her face into my shirt, staining it slightly with tears and make-up. She holds onto me tightly, as if I would protect her from the world. I would. However when she hurt me, it seems the world didn’t have any mercy left to spare.
“I shouldn’t have shouted,” I tell her. I think about apologising for my words as well, and tell her I didn’t mean them but in fact I do. I really do.
“Simon… Please, Simon,” Her voice is muffled but she is pleading anyway.
It seems I cannot resist her after all, because my arms rise and pull her even tighter to me, tucking her head under my chin. What a softhearted cad I am.
“Please what?” I take her face in my hands and gently pull away so I can look at her. Her false eyelash is coming loose and where her tears ran on her cheeks, she is fairer and to say she still looks beautiful with her crumpled face would be a lie, one you read of in romance novels. However that doesn’t change how I feel. She has a gem of a heart, and I love that about her. She had won me over with her kindness after all. So I am not the typical romantic, but that says a lot even for me. “Please what, Paula?”
“Forgive me! Don’t be mad,” She says. “I don’t want us to be on bad terms. This is supposed to be a happy time,”
“I can’t forgive you for something you aren’t sorry for,” I tell her truthfully. And she knows we are no longer talking about the secret-keeping.
She said yes to him. She will say ‘I do’ to him. How can she be sorry? How can I forgive?
Her face changes in all subtlety, from desperate to angry “Why am I apologising, Simon? Yes, I am sorry for not telling you. Haven’t I said that? You know now. Can’t we just move pass it? This is so much more than just me not telling you, and I don’t know what the hell it is! So can you enlighten me? Can you tell why I am begging you to forgive me?” She shouts, the tears still pouring down.
I stay silent because… I don’t know.
I have always known what I wanted – out of life, out of business and even out of other relationships. But now I stand dumbstruck in front of Paula, clueless as to what I want from any relationship, her, and my life. And even if I figure it out, I’m not sure I can tell her without ruining our friendship and their relationship, no matter how tempting the latter may sound.
She watches me silently, her tears wetting my thumbs that rest on her face. I stroke them away and then wordlessly depart, leaving the door open behind me.
I sit in my car but don’t start the engine. I wait for ten minutes, when a calmer Paula emerges, changed out of her dress and into her comfortable clothes, and enters her car. She drives off soon after and when she turns the bend and I can no longer see her, I twist the key and head in the same direction.